Greatest Moan Ever Existed

I'm free.
I've lost all the things I thought I have.
I don't have anything backing up on me anymore.

I thought I had my career, that my academic record is pretty good and at least I can count on it. But now, it's all fucked up and I'm one of the worst in my faculty. All people in there are just waaaayyy faster than me. The way the study are just like Porsche is the fast lane whereas I'm just like a Mack Truck in the traffic jam. I'm so fucking fat, I really am fat. I was always mocking on fat person but now I'm the one who's fat. I was never been this fucking fat and this is the worst. I thought I have family but now being in the house with them just gets on my nerve. Shouting here shouting there, with all these rots in this house. I thought I have friends but now no one I could share everything with, well but maybe mostly because I don't have anything to share with either. I don't have any crush which what makes girls conversation fussy, I'm grumpy, I don't have sense of humor, I'm awfully not funny, I'm too weird for socializing now. The older I gets, the more sick I am. I am boring, so totally boring crickets won't even crick to my boring-ness. I'm the one who stands my boring-ness but sometimes I don't too.

Why am I that awful??

I guess maybe because I'm too egoist, caring much about myself than other people, where actually I need other people more than they need me. I worship myself too much. I thought I was really good. I thought I can get all I want. I thought I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do anything beyond border of "good girl". But what's really scary is that I'm monstrous inside, because I look down on others, I don't think they're as smart as me, I think they're a waste of time, I think they'll fail, I think they're ugly, fat, black, and many fuckin other mocks. Now I'm the one who looks like a retard. All the stupidity in the world summarized on my face. Now I got all the karma.

I wish my life would end in a happy ending like in the movies. Of course, everybody wants their life goes like a happy movie. I wish that in the time where I'm down, someone came to me and makes me realize that I could turn it all back, I have potential, I'm not such a bad person, I'm actually a lovable person, and that someone loves me just the way I am (this lovey thingie is not just about boys, I mean it could be anyone, a boy, a friend, a family, a stranger, or even a dog. I'm not the sinetron kind of person really). But my life is not a movie. I'm not living in a pretty place in London, Paris, Cannes, California, I don't even live in the pretty side of Jakarta. I live in a marginal side of the city with a marginal family in a marginal house. I wish my life would be like Russel Crowe in A Good Year, where he got back to France, meet nice people, nice wife-to-be, and that his egoist-stock market-trader side of him faded by the beauty of his life in France. Now look at my reality...

I might never gonna get a master degree abroad with such GPA I got. I know I'm not doing the best, but I'm really out of idea how am I gonna get this fucking brain to work. I'm out of luck who has brought me to this faculty. I know some people said that luck is preparation meets chance or whatsoever but really, I was just lucky to get here.

I am a stupid idiot imbecile fucking loser with no talent at all whose brain lacks of working cells person who only counts on luck. Sometimes it surprises me why I'm still alive with all my fucking idiocy. I might just give up to anything now. It's all just a fairy fucking tale. All those pretty bitchess out there are the one who'll get all the happy ending. Life is nice to pretty people. I'm just a total fucked up failure. God must be ashamed of his decision to brought me to life.

Call me ungrateful, call me moaner, because I am.
Oh, I actually got one and only goodness to people though: I'm a lesson to everyone else around not to be as pathetic as me.

Regards,
an Asshole-Fail Accountant

MTV Top Ten Favorite Videos

Remember when MTV played music? And there's a show called MTV Top Ten Favorite Videos where a celebrity revealed their own personal favorite videos and MTV played the videos on the show. I like that show, it makes me wanted to make my own. So, since I couldn’t get on MTV, I’ll just show anyone my personal favorite videos in my blog with a slight comment from me, just like those celebrities did. Geeessshh I've always wanted to do this thing!
So, here we go, start with the 10th favorite video. Enjoy :D

10. In My Place - Coldplay
A very very simple video but never loss any of its coolness although it has been around for almost a decade. Coldplay's personal favorite.



9. Popscene - Blur
This is such a lunatic video, meaningless, and they're just jumping around and the scenes are just being replayed and so on so on. What else I can say? This is psychedelic! What an interesting video!



8. Transmission - Joy Division
It's actually just another live performance video by Joy Division, but Ian Curtis' epilepsy dance, trance, Bernard Sumner's guitar, Stephen Morris' drum rhythm, and Peter Hook's bass riff, are all just awesome. Couldn't get bored with this.



7. Electrical Storm - U2
A video with tons of coolness and sexiness. Well yeah, it's Larry Mullen Jr. ladies. (Felt so wrong to me though)



6. Wonderwall - Oasis
Another simple video, but maybe it's just because the song never gets old. Well, it has been 15 years since the song came in, and it's still sounds very very good. I think no matter how old I am, I will still be enjoying this song. The magnum opus of Oasis.



5. Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer
Everyone must have some slight unforgettable memories from their past right? Like the simple things, or events, that wasn't really big enough to remember, but it's just another simple activity or days that for some unknown reason you will always remember. For me, this video represents one. It was another sunny Sunday afternoon in my grandparents' house, in Sawangan Depok, which sadly has been left abandoned and sold few months earlier (instant tears for that, really). We used to watch Sundays TV shows like American Funniest Home Videos, boxing matches (back then with Mike Tyson, Hollyfield, etc), and there's a ... video, a lovely song, it's Kiss Me. For me, this video would always brought me to that time, which for the rest of my life I would never forget.



4. Just (You Do It to Yourself) - Radiohead
It's a noir video. Completely different from the previous one of course. I can't say so much about this because the video itself is a bit mysterious. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this video is quite funny but somehow, yes it's funny. Enjooooy



3. Stay (Faraway, So Close!) - U2
I just realized that all of U2 videos I picked here is in black and white. Well, just a coincidence though. The first time I see this video, I instantly loved it. The Berlin Victory Column is somehow very suitable for the video and making it more outspokenly beautiful



2. White Riot Live (1978 Victoria Park London) - The Clash
It's my blog!! Lol well yeah I definitely got this blog's name from this video. A short energetic ultra-cool awesome video. Plus, Joe Strummer is kinda, wait no, very very hot in here, still in his young days. Everytime I watch this video I really wanna hug Joe Strummer



1. Coffee and TV - Blur
I love this video so much ever since I'm an elementary school's first grader. Why? Maybe because the milk carton is too cute, maybe because Damon Albarn is too good looking, or maybe because Graham Coxon is so fluffy. The video got some plot anyway, so it became a lot more interesting. It never got old either, really doesn't look like it has been around for more than a decade. The first time I watched it, I cried. I was only 6 or 7 though, not really embarrassing right. No no. Well then, this my favorite video ever for all time, Coffee and TV by Blur! Voila!

Stupid Little Life

What are we? What defines us? What makes us what we are? Ever think of that before? Maybe consciously not, but I'm sure this is what we're all about.

Nowadays, it's undeniable that what we own that defines who we are. Things that are classy enough for classy people, junk enough for junkies, clean enough, sleek enough, modern enough, anything that we own gave us how the people will look at us. Is that a fault? I'm not sure, but doesn't it seem like natural in our lives? We, human, does own a natural noun in our life called 'pride'. That's what we're all about. Why do we dress in some certain clothes, why do we go in this college, why do we drive on that car, why do we use latest mobile phone, all of them and many other 'why' in our life is merely driven by our sense of pride on those things. In years to come, it wouldn't be surprising if we're not defining ourselves by what we own anymore, but what we own that will automatically defines us instead.

Why am I suddenly writing this thing? Then again, I was kind of inspired by a movie. It was American Beauty this time (just watched it twelve years after the movie come out, doesn't it great?) with slight reminders from Fight Club. Well yeah I am so easily inspired because I'm such a sentimental little whiny girl and yes I do admit that I'm so into such stories, where the people on it feel like they don't really live their life, because (I wonder why, tee hee) I see some uncanny resemblance between them and myself. In American Beauty, Lester Burnham, wonderfully played by Kevin Spacey, is a middle aged man with mid-life crisis. He was living a stagnant, boring life in the suburb and his life is mostly driven by his wife. In Fight Club, the narrator, played by Edward Norton, already had his mid-life crisis in his mid 30. They both feel like they are not the one who controlled their life, they weren't really living it, they're just went through it, and most importantly they both got no guts to tell their suppressor to go fuck themselves. The good thing is that they finally realize that they are living a life unlived and change all that but the bad thing is, both life end in tragic ways. Geez, why???? But I guess those kinds of story exist so I can strain the good thing.

Lester's wife lives her life defined by her furniture, career, and belongings, so does the narrator on Fight Club. When such thing happens, you really lose your life. Your belongings aren't immortal, they come and go easily, and they don't really define you! What will you be when they all have gone? Nothing. You can't count on your belongings even though they 'dress' you from the people around. They gave you the look, but they don't fill your soul. It's all shallow. It's all just the cover. Like many said, don’t judge the book by its cover, because the exact relation between the book and its covers isn't exist. Maybe if we change our main concern from the things that we own to the things that we do, our life would have been more interesting. Goods, furniture, hardware, all of them stood still. They don't follow you and they don't adapt to your changes. But what you got inside, your mind, character, heart, feeling, faith, and what you are doing will always adapt and stick anywhere you go. They are the immortal things in your mortal life. Isn’t life is just like riding a bicycle? To keep your balance you must keep moving.

At the end of American Beauty, Lester said that he's been through a stupid little life. It's not that he regret his life, but he said that because at the end of all of these our life in this world would only seems to be a series of funny moments we took too seriously. If now we think our job, our precious furniture, or our stylish yet hipster new Blackberry is so important to our life, I wonder how important it would be at the time we fly over the blue sky, fly and fly and fly along with our memories of life flashing beautifully, and we feel the eternal peace all over.

"I'd always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. It stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand-new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday." Lester Burnham, American Beauty

REVELATION! ILLUMINATI! EUREKAAA!

Now I come up with a new understanding about this quote:

"God does not play dice with the universe" - Albert Einstein

It's because our thoughts, SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN, have mass! All of our thoughts bring 'something' invisible for us to see but it could came up with something visible in the future to come. We are what our mind think who we are.

"You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you." - James Allen

We are the one who moves our own dice. We have a power to control it.

"No fate but what we make" - Terminator Saga

Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol is highly recommended to understand this further. Fiction novel, but it caught the point anyway.

Praise the Lord, apparently there's a use in considering myself as a lucky bastard genius while all people around me thought I'm a retard. I AM a lucky bastard genius!

Once Upon a Disney

I'm currently scrolling down on The Disney Princess Blog. Am I sound too creepy in my blog recently? With the previous Sleeping Beauty post and now this? Maybe. I just can't get those Disney-ish world from my life. In fact, I grew up with Disney and I am profoundly proud of it.

I burst into tears when I first watch Lion King. Seeing Mufasa dead, Simba ran alone avoiding the wrath of his uncle Scar, all those Hakuna Matata things, and then come back to his kingdom to regain his power and saving his territory from further chaos. Implicitly, it was about the responsibility you have but in the mean time also telling us that whatever you have done cannot be changed but can be fixed, and by running from it wouldn't resolve the problem. Invisible to see for 4 years old me of course, but as I grew up little wisdom I got from Lion King came up clearer to me. Hakuna Matata.

I cannot stop singing with my horrible voice after I saw The Little Mermaid at the age around 5. Ariel's voice is angelic, by the time I loved it so much I haven't known the word 'envy' so all I can think is that my voice is as good as Ariel. I also remembered how furious I am when that fugly Indonesian band named themselves Peterpan and the frontman's name was Ariel! I, as a Disney avid fan, feel extremely offended by that, no exaggeration! I am mad.

The Beauty and The Beast brought my imagination to the majestic baroque rococo castle somewhere in France for years. In my opinion it's the most 'princessy' Disney movie because its mostly taken in Beast's castle.

Now, in the era of CGI, Disney could still bring the 5-years-old-ness in me. It might have less singing and dancing, which is pity, but the stories are still got my hands down. Toys Story, Finding Nemo, Wall-E, Up, Meet the Robinsons, Ratatouille, all of them are great. Not only compared to another cartoons but compared to another movies. It is not a cheesy cartoon because even my dad considered them good, and like he always said "I am certain that Indonesia wouldn't have a movie such meaningful as these cartoons, not even a serious adult movie, not even in the next few decades" and I have to agree on this. I don't think that Disney cartoons are patronizing, even for children. I found it amusing but as we grew up we discover what precious things it has brought to us. I believe a lot of people like me would be very gracious to be introduced with Disney world in their childhood. It might be silly for you to hear it, but I can tell that when a person is stranger from those Disney cartoons, they don't have the precious thing Disney brought, they don't get too creative.

I watched some cartoons apart from Disney too of course. There are Nickelodeons, MGM, Dreamworks, etc but none of it was as complete as Disney. Tom and Jerry might still be the most humorous cartoon series of all time (the classic one, I emphasize!). Dreamworks cartoons are only lean on expensive voice cast, shallow plots. Nickelodeon is too crude. Disneys are the one I would firstly introduce to my children with a hope that it will also influence them for the years to come. I don't mind with the influence, I even expect it. Dreams, hopes, loves, laughs, hassles, toughness, responsibilities, friendships, I mean how could you not consider it a very good education to children? The world nowadays have already too much gores.

Providing me with Disney, when most of Indonesian people my age grew up with Jin dan Jun or corny Chinese vampire movies, are my parents' genius decision.